Every time I hear someone play clavinova, I am filled with so much awe that there is nothing in the world that I would love to do more than to listen to it. But it will always be over sooner than I would have hoped for, leaving me a bit sad and longing – just the right emotion to remind me that I should have been more eager to learn it back when my parents almost wished they could push me so I would attend my piano lessons on Saturday afternoons 14 years ago. If I weren’t so stubborn, I would be playing the songs that make my heart leap after hearing them in a movie or on Youtube. I would be playing songs to accompany me in my loneliness and make me less lonely.
Then trying to be optimistic than usual, I would look at some music sheets and try to play a piece note by note as soon as soon as I’m done counting the syllables from the middle ‘do’. Sometimes it would sound sad or cheerful just the way I want it. Sometimes it would be pleasant but not quite good enough, like it’s lacking something that I normally hear from the masters I’ve listened to. It’s probably because of the instrument. I’m using a 14-year-old electronic piano which doesn’t compare to the sound of a clavinova.
That’s what I used to tell myself until I watched a pianist practice before the Mass last Sunday. As always, it looked effortlessly beautiful. The pianist seemed like he was in a trance with the music he made through his fingers and the instrument.
I was about to say it again in my head – that if only had a better instrument, I would be able to play songs as beautifully as I would have wished to – but I finally realized, maybe the reason that I still could not get my hands on a better instrument was that I still haven’t poured enough time and soul into learning how to play it. Maybe I don’t have a clavinova because I don’t deserve it. Yet. I will earn it through passion and determination. The same way I earned my degree, my job and everything that I have now. I will work hard to deserve something as beautiful as a clavinova. It will take time but I know it will be worth it.